why do people die? why can’t we all live forever?
My heart is breaking. I feel so sad. I know its part of life, I know it’s the circle, but why does it have to suck so bad? why do I have to feel so alone?
I want to break down in anyone’s arms and just cry until all the hurt is gone.
I hate this.
The fact that I can’t even talk to anyone about how I feel makes me mad. I’m scared, I don’t want to lose another person in my life. I’m not ready. A good friend of mine got hit by a car on his bike, my dads uncle is on his death bed. I want to stay strong and positive but to be honest, I’m having a hard time believing in a God that punishes his beloved. I have faith, don’t get me wrong. At the same time, it’s just gets harder. I already feel like I’m building a wall and am gonna shut everyone out and I know no one is going to fight me to bring the wall down. At the end of the day no one really cares.….I hate that. I just want to be numb to it all. I don’t want to feel anything. I feel like I’m on auto pilot now just fighting to make it through without bad news even though I know they are coming. Why? I ask myself that question every minute. I don’t want to hear myself but I can’t help it, I don’t want to have flashbacks but I can’t help it. I don’t want to feel but I still do. Staying strong but I feel like my fingertips are barely hanging on to a thread that just got so much thiner.
This is how I’ve been feeling lately…Im sinking but part of me is still on top.
You never really know how bad the person standing right next to you is breaking. Sometimes I don’t understand why people act the way they do, then I get a reminder that we are all fighting our own battles to be free from our past, sometimes our present and maybe our future. Although I was really disappointed tonight, I somehow wonder why do we get so mad at our friends but once you see them in a bad place you somehow forget all the hurt and pain they caused you, and you just wanna be there for them?! Why does our heart forget everything once they see the other person ache?! I’m not mad at the way I feel. It’s just interesting to me that we drop all of our bad feeling towards others and come running for them when they need us. It’s like a bad drug but I like it, it keeps pulling me back. In a sick twisted way I love being there for someone who’s hurt me, especially when it’s someone I love to the moon and back.
Tonight, has taught me that sometimes you have to forget the world, put everything on pause, get in the car, and blast music and get lost in the beat, speed, and beauty of the nature around you and hope that just the right song might cure whatever it is you’re going through.
I’ve recently noticed that the heaving the eyelids the more sincere the words are. I used to think tears and crying were a sign of weakness but the older I get, and the more I go through, I’m learning that tears are a way to show emotions and that you have a heart. When you’re hurt and you speak and you cry it makes it more sincere because that’s your heart speaking! Just a thought before I go to bed and get ready for hell week at work!
